is everyone crazy or is it just me?

Well... he's out!

2008-10-22T10:56:00.002-04:00

Yes... another one gone! I decided I am totally giving up on trying to find a BOYFRIEND! I'm just going to "go with the flow" and get "some" where and when I can! I'm in a total FUCK IT kinda mood now!
Even though things didn't work out between me and "mr dj" or anyone else as a matter of fact...
I don't regret anything I have done... I know I enjoyed myself and that's all I care about! That might come off sounding a little selfish... but ALL WELL!!! hahaha
So, my mission continues!

How about this for a night out!!!

2008-09-30T11:55:00.003-04:00

My plan for Friday night was to go pick up "mr dj," stop at the bar to get something to eat and a couple of drinks, and go back to my house and watch movies. Well that is not what happened at all!!!
I went to get him and we DID go to the bar to eat and had a couple of drinks... from there we were looking for some trees... so we went to his brothers house (i didn't go in) and no luck there. So then we went a few blocks down to where his other brother lives... we had a couple of beers there and he smoked with us. NICE! but no luck getting some of our own! He did get in contact with someone else who was able to get us something... so we to go see him, which was closer to my house anyway. So we went to see him... by the time we were saying good bye to him it was like 12:45am... "mr dj" wanted to go get one more drink before we went to my house. So we go into Providence, and we saw Finnegan's... so we find a parking spot with a meter... I pull in... we go to put money in the meter and then all we could hear was PPPPPSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT... we had a flat tire... "we gotta get out of here" he said.
The tire was leaking so fast, there was no way we could make it to my house with that tire. So he starts changing my tire... OH YEAH and did I mention that it was RAINING! He took the lug nuts off and then went to take the tire off and the car rolled!!! SO, the car jack got stuck between the car and the spare tire that was lying on the ground below the car... FUCKING GREAT!!!
And did I mention that it was RAINING?!?!?!? "FUCK... who can we call?"
I tried to call my cousin and her man but no luck there... so we started to look through our phone list to find someone... I ended up getting in touch of my other cousins... he said he would come and bring me another jack for us. Then "mr dj" said well... let's go get that drink! So, I grab my purse and lock the doors... and then I realized that I locked my keys in the fucking car!!!!!!!!!!
I called my cousin back to ask him to bring a hanger with him... of course he was laughing at me!
We went into Finnegan's while we waited for my cousin to get there and had our drink! My cousin came, fixed the tire for us and then it was time to figure out what to do about getting back into the car... and did I mention that it was RAINING?!?!?!?!? We were discussing our options when my cousin decided that he was going to break my window! And he did... after he handed me $60!!! So, I went home, in the rain, with a donut and a broken window!!!
WHAT A CRAZY NIGHT!!!!!!
"Mr dj" said that this was our first night out and we were getting these horrible signs!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I thought my cousin was easing up a little bit about "mr dj"... but I guess not! I have been seeing "mr dj" for the last four weekends in a row... we are deffinitly getting closer but I still realize that he DOES live with someone else at the moment!
I really want to share my feelings with my cousin... she is my BEST FRIEND! but it is just so hard for me to talk to her because she just keeps giving me the biggest guilt trip!
The other day she said "DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA?"
I just want to be able to talk to my best friend with out her giving me dirty looks or say things like "DO YOU BELIEVE IN KARMA?"
She is the person that I talk to about pretty much everything but I can't talk to her about this and it really bothers me!!!!!!!

And who is to say that "KARMA" hasn't already got me????
Because isn't a fact that my son's father was seeing someone else before we even broke up???
I totally understand the fact that there is a possibility that "mr dj" could totally do the same thing to me... but... I don't know... we are just really enjoying eachother. We just laugh at eachother... love the sports rivalry... we are just so comfortable with eachother. Not to mention the bedroom- wwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeee...

I try to be a leader...

2008-09-24T13:36:00.001-04:00

I try to be a leader but i always just end up following what everyone else does or tells me...
I hate it... just when I think I am making my own decisions everyone around me tries to influence me with their thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that all my choices are the best ones, but damn...
Ya know I try to get some friends together and everyone always has something better to do, but if someone else says "hey let's get together" - everyone shows up... it really aggravates me!
And why the HELL can't I just find a decent guy that is single and is looking for a relationship???
I know in my last posting I was going on and on, but... I DO realize that if this guy is cheating on his girl than nothing is stopping him from doing it to me too. However, he is NOT my MAN!!!
I really hate being single...
I put a picture of me and the guy on my default on my myspace this morning (which I change like 3 times a day) and someone called me and said "I understand you have a picture of you and him up on you default... can you remove it please?)
FUCK IT!!!!!!! Who cares... I put pictures of everyone up!!!
I listen to every one's opinion, but it really bothers me when I feel like I am doing what I want to do, and EVERYONE is soooooooo persistent until I do what they want me to do... UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
I 'm having a real pissy day today!!!

Does this make me such a bad person?

2008-09-23T14:54:00.003-04:00

Let me just start off by saying i DO have respect for people and their relationships!
It was about a month ago when I was at a party and my cousin's man's brother came up to me and my cousin. He came over just to say hello and see how we were doing. We asked him back... how is everything with you? His reply was "I'm ok... I'm leaving my girl."
We were like WOW... ok then!
Now this man is someone that I have known or at least met several times over the last couple of years (since I moved back from Atl.). I must say there was always attraction when it comes to this guy, but ya know, he never made a move, so...
So, the week after that party, I went to my cousins house after work, and he was there hanging out for the day. We got to talking a lil bit and he made a move! He asked me for my number but I kinda shrugged my shoulders a little. I never gave him my number that night before I left. There was another party coming up the next weekend for my cousin's man: his brother. He asked me if I would be his date. I thought he was kinda joking, but he WAS serious. I just joked about it saying "I will be your date as long as you don't mind if I dance with other guys and will you buy my drinks" hahahahaha...
So the day of my party, my and my cousin are heading into the hall and she said to me "He gave me his number to give to you" but she had never given it to me!
So when he arrived he said "No comment" with a cute ass smirk...
So as the night went on... I was talking to him a little bit... he said he wanted to slow dance with me! The night was almost over... we danced... he said he had to dj the next day and he wanted me to come with him. I wanted to go, it sounded like a fun time!
So, he slept over my house!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHHHH...
So, then the whole week he called me everyday... the next weekend comes and he said he had to dj at another party closer to where I live and he wanted to see me. So we met up again that weekend... and all week long he called me everyday.
So this weekend that just passed he said he wanted to come see me and spend the entire weekend with me. And let me tell you... I didn't have any problem with that!!!!!!!! AAAAAHHHH

So here is the big deal: He lives with his girlfriend of four years, who he said he wants to leave...
Ya know, as a person who has been in a long term relationship, I wouldn't normally be in such disrespect, but I don't know what to say about myself in this situation!
My cousin doesn't want anything to do with this... but I had to tell her somewhat, what was going on because I just can't keep secrets from her, I tell her almost everything. She looks at me with a weird look to make me feel guilty... but for some reason... I just DON'T feel guilty about this guy!!!!!! Does this make me such a bad person???
UUUUUUHHHHH my cousin said he is the "KING OF SWEET TALKERS" and that he will only use me... and that her big problem with him is that he lives with another girl...
I already knew that was her problem! Don't get me wrong though, I don't like the fact that I have been sleeping with someone elses' MAN!!! I want my own man!!!

I must say that I have enjoyed EVERY minute with him! Did I mention EVERY minute???!!!
We are so clicking! We have great conversation and we laugh at each other. We stay up all night or get up early in the morning and just talk and laugh... it's so cute! Not to mention in the bedroom!!! OH. MY. GOD. the bedroom!!! I haven't experienced sex like that in a long time!!!
I can't get into details but i would like to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I would not have even thought twice about him if he hadn't come up to us that day and said he was leaving his girl...

What are you thinking???

WOW... the summer just flew by!!!

2008-09-01T12:35:00.003-04:00

What can I say it has been a very eventful summer!
My son spent the summer with his grandmother! I miss him like hell but i am soooooo enjoying "my time." I thought I would maybe have found a man... but no! And the reason is because "I am looking" well that's what everyone tells me!
Nothing has really changed since my last posting... I still want the same things and don't have them!
I did have a lot of fun this summer... didn't make it to the ocean, and i only went to the lake once!
I had a few parties to go to... good times.
I'm still wondering "where are the men?"
There is one guy (boy) that i would like to get involved with but my confidence is going down on that one! I don't understand what the big deal is with me... this time i can't blame it on my son... since he has not even been here!
Guys just start acting funny... you know what i mean!!! Change the script on ya!
Always sending mixed signals... you think they are interested in you cause they are... you know... kissing you and showing you attention and then... just stop! I don't think i will ever understand!
"its not all about you" my cousin told me!
WHY DO I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP SO BAD?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
I put a quote on my myspace page... it says "IT'S DIFFERENT WHEN YOU'RE LONELY... IT'S LIKE THE WHOLE WORLD IS IN LOVE"

The whole world IS in love!!!!! That is so how i feel!!!!

A couple of weeks ago, my co-worker received flowers at work from her man. How nice!
Then I go over to my cousins house and she has a dozen roses on her table!
That was two people in one day that got flowers! Now I don't really care about the flowers (even though they were really pretty) what I'm saying is... EVERYONE around me IS in love!!!!
I want that feeling back!

Still lonely...

2008-06-30T16:23:00.002-04:00

Uhhhhh.... I have just had such a shitty weekend... well if you ask me I must say that all the time. You see, I'm just not happy, and I keep trying not to show it but it's just all building up inside of me.
I'm always the tag along person because I don't have that someone to just share my life with. I just want to do some things that I would like to do... I'm not saying that I know what things I want to do, but I would just like to do something when I want to do it. For instance: this past weekend the weather was really nice, perfect for the lake. I wanted to go, but the people I would normally go with did not want to go... so I didn't go. Now the people that I would normally go to the lake with want to go next weekend. They are already planning everything, getting organized to take the kids... blah... blah... well, I have to work. So, that means once again muchacha doesn't get to go! Or I could have gone by myself!
Being single and having all your friends in a relationship sucks! I always have to do what everyone else is doing... if I want to hang out with them, being that they'
re two people my vote always gets put to rest. So, I am left with doing nothing or doing what everyone else is doing.
I finally got my letter for the tax stimulus and i am not getting the full amount that I thought I would get. I have compared notes with some of my friends about their taxes and their income for 2007 and it just doesn't make any sense why I wouldn't get the same amount as all my friends...
Once again MUCHACHA IS SCREWED... I'm always getting shitted on.
I just feel like I need the money! I'm so far behind on my bills... I worry how I am going to feed my son everyday...
I was so broke last week that I brought my son to Burger King and I only got us a cheeseburger... my son wanted a happy meal but I just couldn't afford it! I could only afford the burger... how sad is that? My son wanted the toy but I told him I was broke and couldn't get the toy today... the next morning, my son found a nickel on the ground when we were leaving for work/school, he picked it up and said "now we can get a toy" I just want to cry every time I think about that story... I'm so broke I can't even afford a happy meal... that is so pathetic!
I just need to get out of this rut I am in right now and I just can't seem to figure out how... that full amount from the stimulus would have caught my bills up and filled my fridge and cupboards, but now... maybe some of my bills that's it.
So, there is one kinda good thing that happened this weekend... I found this guy on myspace that I used to mess with just before I met my son's father (I don't know what to call him yet!) like 9 years ago. MMMMMMMMMMMMMM you have no idea! OOOOWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEE...
This guy was one of the better ones! He is someone that I have thought about over the years. I even asked about him before, trying to see if anyone knew what he was up to these days. My cousin told me she had seen him at her work a few months ago and the first thing I said was "how did he look!" AWWWW man... I'd like to see this guy again!
He seems to have his head on his shoulders,, he does have a job! He works at a federal prison as a c.o. so at least he makes some decent money...
we talked for a while yesterday... definitely some flirty talk, and I got his number... I'll keep you updated!
I hope all this shittyness I have going on right now is all a lead up to something really great... GOD knows I need it!

Where are the men... are ther any left for me?

2008-06-25T12:53:00.003-04:00

There is a new guy that is showing a little interest, but I am not sure what my feelings are towards him. The first day I met him... there were a few things that were mentioned that were total turn-offs. For instance: he had just gotten fired from his job (but he does have another job already) and his friend said " see you mouth off and then you get in these predicaments."
So to me that meant that it must happen often. Then his friend was telling a story and it seemed to me like he might get hot headed kinda fast... he likes to fight! And he has 4 kids, one from one girl and the three from his ex... I don't like those things!
On the other hand, there are some decent qualities he has! He is tall, dark and decent looking!, he has full custody of his son (which shows responsibility) and that would also mean that he would be more understanding about my son than the other guys that I have been dating.
He mentioned one day that he had a couple of air conditioners at his house not being used, so I'm like well... I need an A.C.!!! So we exchanged numbers and he brought two A.C.'s over to my house. How awesome is that??!!! We hung out for a while, the kids ate dinner and we had some adult conversation. No big deal...
So, he has called me several times since then. He calls me in the mornings at like 6:30 to say good morning and have a nice day! He called me on Saturday morning at like 9 to see what I was doing for the day... I had to work in the afternoon... So, I sent him a text on Saturday afternoon to see if he wanted to do something that night (I had a sitter!) But I got no response! Then he called me yesterday morning... he told me that he would call me after work and maybe we could get together... but he never called!
I am kinda liking that he calls but doesn't call too much... I like that he is trying to be my friend and not being too pushy to get me in bed!!!
The other issue with this guy is that... i met him at my cousins house and they don't seem to like him that much and they don't want him around... he had called, I think Friday night, and he wanted to come by (my cousin house) so I handed the phone to my cousins man so he could answer him, and my cousin got all big eyed and was like "NOOOOOOO... i didn't know you were talking to him... maybe like once a month he can come over!!!!"
I didn't know it was like that!!!! She never told me that she didn't like him and didn't want him over there... they hadn't said anything!!!! ALL WELL!!! We will see what happens!

Father'sDay 2008... HMMMMMM...

2008-06-16T13:48:00.002-04:00

I planned to go camping this past weekend at my brother's camp site, but then my in-laws said they wanted to come visit from NY. So, I canceled my plans to go there so my son could see his family. They came out here on Sunday morning. I called my son's father in the morning and said "hey, what are you doing today? I am coming to pick you up!" He said "ok." So, I went to get him and brought him back to my house. He didn't know that his family was coming to visit! He was so surprised to see them when they arrived!
Everything was going just fine, my son was behaving like a good little boy, the conversation was interesting the entire time they were there. It was a good visit! Then about 30 minutes before they were leaving...
I got a phone call...
"(my name) can you do me a favor..."
I'm like "who the hell is this?"
"Justine...(my son's father's girl or ex girl... who the fuck knows!)... do me a favor when you go to bring him home tell him not to come here... well, just keep him..." (lol)
I'm like "Why the hell are you calling me?"
and then I just handed the phone to my son's father and said "here talk to your girl..."
So, I go outside to smoke a butt to keep my cool... and when I went back in... my mother in-law was going off on the girl!!!!
"That's my son... WHAT?... you got a problem with me? I came out here to visit with him... we can meet if you want... you don't want to mess with us..."
It was so great to hear my mother in-law going off on that stupid bitch!!! AHHH I knew I loved that lady!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
So then when I was bringing my son's father home after the in-laws left... I kinda let him have it too!... "The next time you are with your girl... just get her phone and delete my number out of her phone... there is just no reason for her to be calling me!!!"
Excuses from him..."I don't even know how she got your number in the first place..."
I told him "she got my number the same way you are going to get it out of her phone... when she goes to the bathroom or goes to sleep... take her phone and delete my number"!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that simple or what?????? Maybe I am the crazy one!!!!!!!
So then I'm saying to him... "and that's the kind of girl you want in your life?"
He said "No, you are the kind of girl that i want in my life." (I just rolled my eyes)
I said to him, "I would never have a man call you... could you imagine if some guy called you regarding me and our son? Don't you think that would be a crazy scenario?" Yes he said.
Then he says... "I only have one wife and that's you (as he puts his arm around me)!"
(I just rolled my eyes!)
So, we finally arrived at his house and when he was getting out of the car, he looked at me with the saddest face and eyes... and said "Don't hate me, OK." (I just rolled my eyes!)
"mmmmmmhhhhhmmmmm sure!" I said.
This all makes me a little uneasy... I have enough to deal with in my own mind, I don't need to worry about what goes on in his life! I don't care! Well, maybe I do a little!!!
Is everyone crazy or is it just me? Tell me what you think...

IT'S BEEN AWHILE...

2008-06-06T11:02:00.002-04:00

Where have I been? I have had a lot to say... just no time to write!
So, I went to a party at "sassy's" house a couple of weekends ago and I had a great time! I hope there are many more parties to come over the summer. I am ready to party it up!
After a couple of weeks of not talking to "mr pipe layer" he sent me a couple of messages on my myspace... but I didn't respond! Then after several attempts to contact me... I responded!
So, on Friday of last week, he was asking when are we gonna go out again? I spoke to him after I got out of work and he was saying that he is still working. So I told him to give me a call later to see what i was doing. He seemed a little offended that I wasn't making actual plans with him! I told him that I didn't even know if he was really gonna call! So, as it turns out... he never did call me! I sent him a text at like midnight saying "see... you didn't even call... sucka." He then called me at 1:45am. Needless to say I didn't answer the phone! Then he was calling Saturday, I was talking to him... he was asking what I was doing that night... but i knew that I didn't have a babysitter, so I just kinda made it seem like I didn't know what I was doing. He kept calling but I just blew him off! So, then on Monday he called me again! Well we talked several times during the day... then he called me to see if he could take me to lunch! Sure... Why not? I will take a free lunch! But at lunch... it was a little weird... well maybe I was the one to make it weird... I think I am "over it" ya know! IDK there is something about him that I like about him, but there are just some issues that he drives me nuts!!!!
He was trying to come over the other night, but I wouldn't let him come over! Well, I told him that nothing was gonna happen (sexually) and he was like "yeah right... you know if I go over there something is gonna happen..." So, I told him that if he thought that... then he shouldn't come over because it wasn't going to happen! So, as you could have guessed... he was a no show!!
"Mr pipe layer" just (now) stopped into my work... he was like 3 feet away from me and he didn't even speak to me! Well my VP was sitting at my desk, but he knows him and he still could have said something to me! Right?!?!?!?!?! He went into the shop area and has not returned! OK
OH... the other day... I was talking to "sassy" on the two way, and I am just going on about me and trying to find a relationship... so "sassy" said something and then I clicked in to say this-"Any man i date or whatever has to know that I am a package deal... regardless... I am a package deal!" and when I let go of the button... there was my son's father! he was like "WOW... that what you talk about? I see where my chances with you are... Who are you talking to? What are you trying to convince some guy that he should be your boyfriend?"
OMG!!!! I'm like "Where the hell did you come from?"
I was so like OMG!!! That's just what I want him to hear me talking about!!!
OH MAN!!!! BOYS/MEN are crazy!!!

Just another day.

2008-05-15T15:57:00.002-04:00

Well, I guess I am doing just fine today. I am so glad this week is moving right along.
I don't have to much to talk about since all I ever talk about in my blog is my love life or lack there of! Everyone keeps asking me if I talked to "mr pipe layer" and the answer is NO! But that's ok I am not really expecting him to call me! After all, what would he even call me for? He obviously is not interested in what I have to offer, so there is no need to call... right?

I am in good spirits...

2008-05-13T15:23:00.002-04:00

Ya know, there comes a time when you are dating someone that you either have to get serious or get out. I mean who is to say what that time period is, but... after a couple of months of dating someone... you should be able to figure it out. RIGHT?! I was seeing "mr pipe layer" for almost two months, I think that is long enough to figure out if he wants to keep me in his life or not. I guess I was hinting around at the whole "where are we going thing", but I never actually asked that question, but he must have figured it out because that's why he felt pushed. But how much longer am I supposed to invest in him to decide weather he wants to get serious or not? I can't do that to myself... i was having feelings for him, but I can't let myself get too hurt...
Ya know, when my cousin got divorced from her husband, she used to talk about being "damaged goods" and I used to tell he that she is not "damaged"... well after me and my son's father split up, I was feeling like that, until someone came along that wanted to show me some attention. I am kinda feeling like "damaged goods" again! I feel like these couple of guys that i was dating were scared off because of my son. Well I don't think it is my son directly but the whole situation of me being a mom. After all I can only go out on a date once a week (if I am lucky enough to have a babysitter), or someone could come over after my son goes to bed! Well, I guess someone could come over before my son goes to bed, but I made the mistake of introducing my son to a man I was seeing and he got so attached to him (he still talks about him and it has been months since i have even seen him). When I was seeing that other guy, I thought it was my son's actions or personality that scared the man away, but now that I never introduced "mr pipe layer" to my son, I know that it is not his personality that scared him away. I am guessing that my whole situation is what is scaring these guys off. I think they are just seeing that I am looking for a man to be a husband and a father figure for my son. Well what the fuck, that is what I am looking for!!!
Maybe I should just forget about trying to date someone right now. How can I date when I am only available one night a week? And if no one is ready to step up for me than... it's just not gonna work out.
WHY DO I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP SO BAD????!!!!!!!!

I scare the boys off...

2008-05-12T15:56:00.002-04:00

Well, I guess I scared another one off!!! Just my fucking luck! I just want a man so bad that I just scare them off instead!
Last Thursday " mr pipe layer" slept over and then on Friday when I was looking at his myspace page, and I noticed that he took me off his "top friends" I was so upset! Then I noticed that he deleted all my comments on his page... well I may not have been the only comments that he deleted, but he deleted my comments none the less!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! So I sent him a message that said "so is deleting me from your myspace your way of deleting me from you?"
and I got no response! He didn't even call me for the entire weekend! SO FUCK HIM DUDE!!!
SO, today when I signed onto my myspace, I noticed that he sent me a message yesterday, saying "hey happy mother's day" -that's it-!!!!
So today (uuuuuhhhhhhh) I am like fuck it! I sent him a text saying "I just want to make it real clear that we won't be spending any more time together. So tell all your little spies not to spy on me anymore. hehe and oh yeah... you suck!!!"
That kinda felt good, even though I am really feeling this guy (I am so fucking dumb)!
He did call me back... I didn't answer though. He left me a voice mail saying something... "what can he say... if that's how you feel... he felt a little pushed... he got cold feet... maybe it's just him, the way he thinks... that he is just busting my balls about the spies... and if I have any other questions to give him a call.
GIVE HIM A CALL!!! FOR WHAT???? Why do boys have to be so dumb?
Why couldn't he just tell me in person or over the phone or whatever... why just take me off your myspace that is so dumb...

Why is everything such a process?

2008-05-10T15:11:00.002-04:00

Ya know... just when I thought I was starting to understand "mr pipe layer" he messes with me again! Every time I am with him, I am like mush... I just melt around him.
He came over to my house the other night and we "enjoyed each others company" if you know what I mean... We ordered pizza, chilled on the couch, he even bought minutes for my phone for me. Does this sound like a man that is interested in me? Well maybe you can't tell just from what I am writing...any way! We enjoyed a very passionate evening... well I did anyway!
Then yesterday I went to his myspace page and I noticed I wasn't on his top friends anymore! Surprised as I was... I scrolled down only to notice that he deleted all my comments! I am livid!
I sent him a message asking him was there a problem and I got no answer... Today I sent him a message asking him if deleting me from his myspace was his way of deleting me from his life... I still haven't heard from him! UUUUUHHHHHHHHHH...
Why do I do this to myself? I just want to love someone and I so want someone to love me! I feel like everyone tells me that I am settling... I don't really feel like I am, but it's not like I have a line of guys waiting at my door for me! I'll take what I can get! I just hate all the bullshit that come with the territory of dating.
"Mr pipe layer" talks to me often about filing for child support from my son's father... I think it is just so aggravating! I really can't even afford to go file for it! I will have to take days out of work. I don't even make enough money to pay for the things I already have. I looked up the information about how to file for the child support... You have to fill out some papers and it also costs $20. WHAT????!!!! $20.00?????? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? YEAH RIGHT LIKE I HAVE AN ADDITIONAL $20.00 TO SPEND ON THAT APPLICATION!!!!!! YEAH RIGHT!!!!!
The reason I would apply for child support would be to get money, because I need it. Where am I supposed to scrape up $20 bucks and how can I take time off of work to go do this?????
I DON'T KNOW!!!! I need money not spend it to get it! And then what? I pay a $20.00 application fee, lose money from my work week, and ? My son's father doesn't have a job... So, I'm gonna have to wait for all that, and in the mean time I am out the money I just spent. Why should I have to pay all those fees? Why don't they charge my son's father the money along with the child support money that they will make him pay?
This whole process of separating from my son's father has just put so much pain in my heart.
Not only did I lose (what I thought to be) the "love of my life," my son became a statistic in the whole process. I don't miss my son's father... I miss the whole relationship thing... someone to tell my secrets to, someone to tell my fears to, someone to hug me, someone to lean on, and someone to just tell me that everything is gonna be ok when I'm having a bad day or when times are tough.

Nothing to bitch about!!!

2008-05-08T11:46:00.003-04:00

Well, I haven't written in a while... I guess that means that I haven't needed to bitch about much!
I am still seeing "mr pipe layer"... he makes me crazy though...
Enough time has past now, that I think I should know where I stand in our relationship...
Do we even have a relationship? I don't know! I did ask him if he see any other girls... his answer was "lots"... I'm like "you know what I mean"... and he said "just you"...
I wish I could spend more time with him!
We went out last weekend... out to eat. No big deal, but I was happy to spend that time!
While we were out to eat, I asked him "what do you think about me?"
His reply was "Oh... I can't tell you that yet!" ... and then he changed the subject!
Can't tell me that yet? WHAT? WHEN can you tell me?!!!!
I so get the feeling that I really am the the only person he is dating, but I don't feel like I am in a "serious relationship"!!!
I just want to have "the talk" so bad... but I don't want him to run away just because I asked him!
I must be getting use to his ways... hahaha
The other day I was talking to "mr pipe layer" on the phone and I was asking him if he wanted to stop by... he said not that night but that we could do lunch the next day... well I am so fucking smart... I brought my lunch with me to work... just in case! And I am glad I did, because he so did not take me to lunch! But i wasn't even too mad! I just had that feeling that he wouldn't make it! I know he gets all caught up in his work... I just wish he wouldn't even talk about things that he can't do... just call me during the day... when you actually have time to go... and ask me then! Don't make plans if you can't keep them... or at least call me to cancel! I don't think that I ask for too much... a simple phone call would have been fine!
All this stuff aside... I AM SO LIKING THIS GUY!!!! I love the sweet nothings in my ear, all the compliments he gives me... I'm so beautiful, ETC... he really is so good at being sweet!
I could love this guy...

God and women...

2008-04-30T14:41:00.001-04:00

When God created woman he was working late on the 6th dayAn angel came by and said: “Why spend so much time on that one?” And the Lord answered: “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her ?"“She must be washable, but not made of plastic, have more than 200 moving parts which all must be replaceable and she must function on all kinds of food, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, give a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart and she must do all this with only two hands”.The angel was impressed. “Just two hands....impossible!“ And this is the standard model?! “Too much work for one day....wait until tomorrow and then complete her“.“I will not”, said the Lord. “I am so close to completing this creation, which will be the favorite of my heart”. “She cures herself when sick and she can work 18 hours a day”. The angel came nearer and touched the woman.“But you have made her so soft, Lord” “She is soft", said the Lord, “But I have also made her strong. You can’t imagine what she can endure and overcome.“ “Can she think?" the angel asked.The Lord answered:“Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."The angel touched the woman's cheek....“Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her.” “She is not leaking....it’s a tear” the lord corrected the angel “What’s it for?" asked the angel.And the Lord said: “Tears are her way of expressing grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride.”This made a big impression on the angel; “Lord, you are genius.You thought of everything.The woman is indeed marvelous!"Indeed she is! Woman has strengths that amazes man. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions.She smiles when feeling like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when she is happy and laughs when she is afraid. She fights for what she believes in. Stand up against injustice. She doesn’t take “no” for an answer, when she can see a better solution. She gives herself so her family can thrive. She takes her friend to the doctor if she is afraid.Her love is unconditional.She cries when her kids are victorious. She is happy when her friends do well. She is glad when she hears of a birth or a wedding.There is only one thing wrong with her...She forgets what she is worth...

He calls me his wife!!!

2008-04-28T09:18:00.002-04:00

"Mr pipe layer" does it again... he always knows the right thing to say at the right moment... ALWAYS!!! Yesterday he calls me at like 5:30pm to ask me if I would like to go out to dinner with him. I already had something to do! UUUUHHHHHH!!!! Why did he wait so long in the day to ask me to do something?
So, my sons father calls me the other day to ask me if he could see his son. Of course he can...
I told him he could come over for a little while. I needed him to get all his shit that is in my house that was in storage. He came over, we ate dinner and he went through all his stuff, then I took him back to his house... NO BIG DEAL!
I had told "mr pipe layer" that we could hang out, but that I had to do something first...
So he came over after my son went to bed... I was saying that I didn't want to be "just his bed buddy" he said that "I am not just his bed buddy... I'm like his wife!!!!"
I never know how to take it when he says that I'm like his wife... I don't think he is saying it in a bad way though...
He said that I am more than just a bed buddy... that we could have gone out for dinner (last minute though) and that I already had plans... so to him that meant that I turned him down!!!
I don't know about that! And as far as Saturday night... right away when I spoke to him yesterday he said "what happened to last night... I was waiting for your call and you never called me!"
WHAT?????!!!!! I was the one waiting for his call... well I didn't wait around like I did last week.
But , he actually thinks that I was the one doing the "blow off" this weekend! I didn't feel like
I was blowing him off... I wanted to be with him!
It's raining today and "mr pipe layer" said he would take me out for a lunch date. I hope he does...

Am I just a bed buddy?

2008-04-27T15:11:00.002-04:00

UUUUUHHHHHH...
I just want to have a love in my life... why is this so fucking hard?!!!!!!
I just want a man in my life... I just want to have someone to share life with.
I deserve a good man just as much as the next girl...
I talked to "mr pipe layer" on Friday night at like 930-10pm, he was asking me what I was doing... I told him that I was going to bed. He called me a bum because I didn't have to work the next day. He seemed to be looking for an invite to my house, but I never offered! (although I really did want him to come over!) So, after talking to him for a few... he said that he wanted to go to my house but I never invited him and that he didn't want to invite himself (which he could have!). I told him "I don't want to be just your bed buddy." "oh is that what it is?" he said.
After that he didn't talk about it any more. So, Saturday afternoon I talked to him and he actually referenced what I said about the "bed buddy" thing! I'm like yeah I don't want to be just your bed buddy... "so you want to be my wife" he asked me... "well, I don't know if I'm ready for all of that... but I don't want to be just your "bed buddy."
I was like "yeah I want to go out... let's go out tonight..." He told me that he was still working and that he would give me a call when he was done... we would see what time it was.
Well the FUCKER never called! So, UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I don't really feel like it was a blow off like last weekend... but I still feel rejected!
I just want more of a relationship than "bed buddies" I realized the other day that "mr pipe layer" hasn't taken me out since the first time I slept with him! It is like the whole wooing thing just stopped! Does he think that now that I have sex with him that he doesn't need to take me out on a date anymore? NO...NO...NO... I want a date... spend some money on me!
ALL WELL!!!!!!! (it's all good!)
I hate all these dating games... I just feel like I don't have time for it! I just want to find a good man... that doesn't play games... I feel like my heart can't handle all this crap!
One minute I'm happy(hehehehehehe... jumping up and down at my desk...) and the next thing I know... I'm "little miss lonely."
I think I'm gonna try this whole "GUY" thing for a little while more and if no one come through... I just might have to look for a woman... we'll see how that works out for me! (hehehe)

Hmmm... Did someone say "mr pipe layer?"

2008-04-23T15:53:00.002-04:00

So, "mr pipe layer" finally called me yesterday... I wanted him to come over so I could let him have it about the weekend when he blew me off... His big excuse was that he fell asleep!
WHAT... DO I LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT??????
He is such a good sweet talker that I may actually believe him!!!! I guess I may be that idiot that I was just talking about... or just in love! Well I don't know about in love, but in like anyway!
So I called him out on the big blow off and his facial expression was priceless. I think he thought he was in the clear since he made it all the way to my house with out me being mean to him!
I know this guy has had my emotions up and down, but I just think it's because I like him so much. I don't know what it is about "my pipe layer" but I feel so different about this guy like I never have before! I know it was a long time ago that I started dating my sons father, but I don't remember feeling so "hehehehehehehe" about him like I am about "mr pipe layer."
So, "mr pipe layer" has already called me today (cheese). I guess he must not be scared of me now that we got that whole "you blew me off" thing over with!
This time I am not being so eager to hear from him... just let it flow...
OH... so he keeps trying to get me to stop smoking weed...
He has offered to give me $1000. to stop for one month...
Last night, he offered to buy the business that I want to open! WOW... he's gonna open my fashion jewelry store for me!!! (but I would have to give up my favorite pass-time)! I think he wanted answer right away... how can I make that decision in one second? And who's to say he would actually open the store for me? RIGHT?!!!!!
Well, I will see where the next few days take me...

There were no pipes layed this weekend...

2008-04-21T09:56:00.002-04:00

"Mr pipe layer" called me Friday afternoon to ask me what were my plans for the weekend. I told him that i had a babysitter for Saturday night... He said "ok well we can go out tomorrow, but I wanted to see you tonight..." So... I'm like "ok... come over later."
So, he came over and spent the night. We were talking about where and what time we would be getting together Saturday morning. I asked him... like 8pm... he said... like 730pm.
So, I go to work Saturday afternoon, got out about 530-6pm. I went home, took a shower, got all pretty and smelling good... then it was 8pm... not a single word from "mr pipe layer." I called him at 8pm... he didn't answer. I left him a message just saying to give me a call back. I haven't heard from him since! I have never been stood up like this before! I can't believe that he would do that to me! I mean why would he make plans with me if he didn't want to go? If he had other plans with someone else why wouldn't he just tell me that? And if he didn't want to tell me what he was doing... he could have just called me up and lied for all I fucking care! It really didn't matter to me if he had just called to tell me that we weren't gonna be able to go out. Any call even if it was a lie, would have been better than NO CALL!!!!! RIGHT!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
This guy better have a really outrageous story if he even tries to call me!
So, i go to my cousins house and had a horoscope read to me and it said something like this: "Now is the time to forgive someone who screwed you over recently...you may receive a love letter or a new relationship."

World's Shortest Fairy Tale...

2008-04-18T10:12:00.001-04:00

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?
The guy said, "No," and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.
The End.

Maybe I should live by this theory!!!!!

"Mr sweet talker..."

2008-04-18T09:28:00.002-04:00

I am still feeling like... UUUUUHHHHHHHHH....
"Mr pipe layer" never did call yesterday... I don't get it. That email I sent him yesterday was a perfect chance for him to just tell me that he doesn't want to see me any more... but he didn't... WHY? Why would he say that he would call me later and then blow me off? I really don't get it. Can I just get some honesty PLEASE!
Why did I get all wrapped up in this guy? I was feeling like he was rushing in the beginning, but then I got used to him being like that and right when I got comfortable with him... he started giving me the fade away. I just don't get why he was telling me that he was missing me one night... then not call the next day.
I HATE BOYS... they just get your hopes up then drop you like you don't have feelings.
It's just so weird to be dating... I hate it...
Ya know, I haven't been single in almost nine years... I am such a different person than I was when I was 19 or 20... I am looking for a different kind of guy to have in my life...
When I was dating back then, I was just looking for a good time... now I want a REAL MAN in my life. A man that has his head on his shoulders, a job, likes kids, all that stuff...
Dating just seems so fucking fake to me... the whole "getting to know you" thing... it's all fake... you don't get to know the real person right away... it's just all fake... UUUUUUUHHHHHHH.

I am so up and down.

2008-04-17T09:50:00.002-04:00

UUUUHHHHHH... I don't know if it it just my hormonal time of the month or what, but I am just on an emotional roller coaster this week. I've been happy, excited, hehehehehehe, then I'm stressed, relieved... I'm all over the place.
I am trying to figure out if "mr pipe layer" is just playing games with me or is he really giving me the fade away... I can't tell because when I am talking to him... he's like I'm busy with work, and he is still being the sweet talker to me. But then he is not calling me as much as he was a few weeks ago... I don't get it... I hate dating...
Ya know if I am not the one for him then I would just rather him tell me that. I am liking this guy and I didn't want to get too attached so fast, but I did... so now what?
My car died yesterday morning on my way into work... I called "mr pipe layer" because I thought he might be the closest person to come rescue me. He didn't answer but he did call me back shortly after. My stepfather came to get me squared away.
But why didn't he call me for the rest of the day? I thought he would have at least called me to see how I made out with my car or whatever. I'm not getting the message clearly! I waited till the evening to give him a call... but he didn't answer. So i waited till later and called him again... still didn't answer...I left a message the second time I called, and he never returned my call.
Why is this all so confusing for me? Why wouldn't he call me to see how I made out with my car issue or even just to say hello to me...
UUUUUUHHHHHHHH... I am so anxious to know what the real deal is. i hate the whole dating game thing... why can't we skip all that and just get right down to love!?????
So, I sent "mr pipe layer" a message this morning that asked him if he was hitting the high road or what? I also asked if he was playing games with me... that I don't really care for games and that if he is giving me the fade away, that i would just rather him tell me that he just is not interested, so i can just be on my way...
I just checked my messages again and he returned a message to me that said..."I'm sorry, I've just been busy. When I get a chance I'll give you a call later this afternoon. I gotta get going to work."
Where is this gonna lead me? I am so anxious to hear what he has to say! Maybe this is all just in my head... I really am just all over the place... maybe I am the crazy one!

WOW... maybe I was wrong...

2008-04-15T09:16:00.002-04:00

I was so worried that "mr pipe layer" was giving me the fade away... I had myself worried for nothing! I only got one little message from him on myspace yesterday morning, and I didn't send him a message or text and I didn't call him either!
So, he did end up calling me and he was talking to me just like any other day... all sweet and everything. He asked me how my day was and he truly seemed interested. He asked me when we were gonna go out again! I'm sure you know I must have been souped about that!
So then he asked when are we were gonna go out again... I said that i needed to see what night I would have a babysitter. He said that we didn't have to wait until the weekend to do something, that we could do something during the week and take my son with us.
I am so feeling this guy! He does want to meet my son and I am happy about that! I haven't put any pressure on him about the issue or anything, but I do want "mr pipe layer" to meet my son soon because I am liking this guy and before I get super attached I need to make sure he likes my son too. Because I think the last guy ran from me because of my son... well I'm not sure about that... it's just a gut feeling that I had.
So, I guess everything is ok... for now anyways!

The fade away...

2008-04-14T09:10:00.002-04:00

So, I think I am getting "the fade away." Ya know when someone calls on the regular and then just stops calling? Well "mr pipe layer" calls or text's me several times a day. Well last Thursday he slept over... we had a - what I thought to be- a nice adult playtime, and then Friday he doesn't call! I sent him a couple of text messages but he didn't respond until late... the conversation was minimal. Then Saturday he called me in the morning... the conversation was also minimal. So the Saturday night rolls around and I did meet up with him after I went to the party I went to. He wasn't really acting weird or anything. He could tell that I was a little freaked out that he didn't call me much for a couple of days and he said that it didn't have anything to do with me... that he was just busy with work and that there was just one thing after another...
So I guess that made me feel a little bit better... So he slept over and then we went to breakfast. While we were there he is still complimenting me and just still talking real sweet to me. I asked him if he wanted to meet my son sometime and he said "yeah I was gonna ask you that."
And most of our conversation was him talking about things like him taking me to certain places or doing certain things in the near future...
So, then he didn't call me for the rest of the day... I sent him a text at like 8pm and i got no response! I don't get it!!!!! What the fuck is going on?????? Am I getting "the fade away?"
Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult? I knew that I didn't want to get too attached to this guy and now that he got me "hooked" I am feeling like he caught me and now he is just gonna throw me back in the water to the rest of the fish...
"Mr pipe layer" is being that tornado that I was talking about last week!!!! I hate this feeling!!!

Can you say "cheese face"?

2008-04-10T09:31:00.002-04:00

"Mr pipe layer" is just killing me... I can't believe some of the things he says to me. He is just so romantic! He is always complimenting me... He makes my eyes like roll in the back of my head. Sometimes he will whisper my name in my ear, and I feel like I stop breathing for that one second. He just takes my breath away. I love it!
I haven't seen him since Monday, but it seems like it has been so long... I am missing him! He said that to me last night also... He is missing me too!
I could really fall for this guy... I may already be falling for him!
It's really so weird cause... he knows some things about me, but he still has another whole side of me that he doesn't even know about... like me as a mom! He hasn't even met my son yet...
What if when "mr pipe layer" meets my son and he doesn't like him, or what if he doesn't like my parenting skills and he decides to just pass me by...
I told "mr pipe layer" last night about an expression they have about women...
" Women are like tornado's... they leave just as fast as they entered, and they destroy everything in their path on the way by!"
He said..."so your gonna leave just as fast as you came in and your gonna destroy everything in your path?"
No, I said... YOU ARE THE TORNADO!!!!
I am just so nervous about this guy... i like him! I just don't want to get hurt...
He told me not to be so pessimistic... I just want to be cautious!

"Mr pipelayer is laying my pipes..."

2008-04-06T12:51:00.002-04:00

Oh My God... this guy is fucking sweeping me off my feet like there's no gravity. He is just like no one I have ever spent any time with. When I am with him, it's like no one else is around... like we are the only two people in the room even if it is a crowded restaurant. I feel like -where the hell did this guy come from?!- He just makes me cheese from ear to ear, and I can't wipe the smile off my face!
I didn't even blog all week... I did have some thing to say, just no time to write.
"Mr pipe layer" came over to my house a couple of times this week. I refrained from "adult playtime" (well as long as I could anyways!) There really is a strong sexual attraction with this guy. The first night he came over, I let him know before he even came over, that he wasn't sleeping over and that he wasn't getting any either! He acted all insulted that I said that to him... but i had to lay out the ground rules before he came over because I didn't want to have any awkward moments at the house... so at least he knew where I stood! So we just watched tv and chatted for a while. It was nice... no pressure! So then he came over a couple of nights later... (no comment... but still no playtime!)... He is a gentleman... I like that about him a lot! He is a romantic... LOOOOVE IT!!!! Just before he left my house one of those nights... he had me slow dancing in the kitchen with no music... it was only a short time, but I loved it... I just felt like melting for a second.
He called me almost every day to ask me out to lunch...(so much for the diet) of course I went with him! Well, I only have a 30 minute break, so there's only so far we can go... any way it was nice to have a lunch date 3 times this week! (cheese)
So, we had plans for a date last night... I dropped my son off at my parents house for the night and went back to my house to get ready... well "mr pipe layer" ended up working kinda late... so he didn't arrive at my house until like 9pm... so we went out to dinner. He kept saying how beat he was from working all day, and that he had to work this morning too, so he wanted to take it kinda easy... So after dinner we just went back to my place to hang out! We went to Texas Roadhouse... that place was cool... you eat peanuts and just throw the shells on the floor like your at a baseball game or something! That's funny! The food was good, but the "adult playtime" when we got back to my house was even better! Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!!!
I need to be careful with this guy... I could really get my heart broken... he's like the man of every girls dreams... He's handsome (cleans up real nice!), he has a good job, he's romantic, he seems into me (that's awesome...) he just seems like an awesome guy... that's why I need to be careful... I don't know if i can stomach my feelings being hurt again right now. But one thing I know for sure is that I like this guy and I'm sure my feelings could grow for him.
"Mr pipe layer"... mmmmmmm... I love his eyes and his smile... when he cheese's its so cute!
He is the kinda guy that will spoil me and i am not used to that so it's hard for me to get used to him offering to buy me things. I just so used to being I-N-D-P-E-N-D-E-N-T or taking care of someone else for so long that i don't know how to act when he offers to buy me everything. Of course... don't get me wrong i like i though! It just takes some pressure off my shoulders...
hhmmmmm...lalalalalalalalalala.....mhmhmhm! "mr pipe layer" hmm! -cheese!-

The Spacial K diet... sucked!

2008-04-06T12:47:00.003-04:00

In my last posting I was talking about this new diet... well after just a couple of days, I had a couple of headaches and then i started feeling really tired and worn out...slugish. vI did lose 3lbs in one week but I just wasn't feeling well at all... so i started to just eat the spaecial k in the morning for breakfast and eat a regular lunch and dinner. I felt better like right after I ate normal food... so skip that diet!

Special K...

2008-03-29T14:09:00.002-04:00

So, I was at stop and shop the other day on my lunch break and as I was at the check out counter... I saw this magazine that said "Lose 9lbs in 5 days." So i bought the magazine and read the article...
I started the diet on Wednesday morning. I found out we had a scale at work, so i weighed in on Wednesday afternoon before i ate my lunch. I then weighed in again on Friday morning and I had already lost 1.2 lbs... WOW... 1.2 lbs already! This is really for real??!!!! I was amazed! So we will see how the rest of the week goes.

Ooooh... who is this guy?

2008-03-29T13:29:00.004-04:00

I was at work on Wednesday when this man comes around the corner (looking a little lost), so i said "do you need parts?" "parts???!!" he said "no i came here to see on of your coworkers."
But for some reason he stayed and talk to me for like 10-15 minutes. The conversation was OK...interesting! So the guy calls me a little while later (on my work phone). He said he wanted to see if i still had a smile on my face! How cute! So I get off the phone with him, and he ended up calling back again a few hours later to see if we could exchange numbers and possibly go out sometime! Hmmmmm...OK maybe!
So we talked the first night...not bad... we talked the second night...not bad. So we went out last night. I can't believe what a great time I had. So romantic! Well more romantic than I have ever experienced anyway!
We went to this Portuguese restaurant... the food was just melting on my tongue... it was so good.
The place was small, quiet... I liked it. Then we went over to a lounge. It was a nice place. We had a few drinks and conversated. The place had a dark setting lit up by candles. It was nice. I was never bored, our conversation wasn't boring.
So, he dropped me off back at my house and we shared a really nice "first date kiss."
I really did have such a good time. I hope to see him again!

Easter Sunday

2008-03-24T13:35:00.003-04:00

Easter was nice! My son is 3 this year, so this is the first "good" year for him to do the egg hunt. He had so much fun... he found all his eggs. The Easter bunny came to our house and dropped off a couple of movies. He also stopped by my cousins house and dropped off a bucket full of books. He stopped by my parents house and dropped off a movie, some candy, and some new cars!
CARS his favorite!!!!! Can't get enough cars!
We started the day by going to Wright's Farm for an 11:30 lunch. It was so good. My son wanted to "go potty" in the middle of my meal and when I returned to the table... they had already cleared my plate! I was so upset. I wasn't done eating! HELLO PEOPLE!!!! I had to take my son potty!!!! So then we went to my aunt's house for dessert and we went on the big egg hunt.
Everyone found their eggs just fine this year... it seemed like everyone had one egg that they couldn't find. But eventually they all found them! Dessert was awesome!

My womanliness!

2008-03-24T13:21:00.002-04:00

Haha... I sent "mister-y" an email today to tell him that I have some of his movies at my house... that he should come pick them up sometime. I told him that he doesn't even have to come in if he doesn't want to... not to be afraid of me, that i wouldn't attack him or anything! He got so side tracked about me "attacking" him that he never answered me about the movies! He wanted to know what I meant about him being afraid of him. I was like "isn't that why you ran from me? because of my womanliness." He was like "I ran from you cause your a woman! I just get messed up sometimes."
Don't we all get messed up sometimes? YES we do... it's human nature!
You just have to find the one that is worth making compromises for... "the one you can work with" Relationships don't last without compromises... they just don't, but that's how you make it work.

The next weekend...

2008-03-22T14:16:00.002-04:00

This weekend I am not doing anything. After what seemed to be the worst weekend last weekend... I don't feel like doing anything. I had so much anticipation last weekend and I ended up so disappointed that I don't want to do that to myself again so soon. I am just going to spend time with one one man in my life that really counts... my son. He is the only one that will always love me unconditionally without any judgement. He will love me regardless of everything that may be going on in our lives.
This weekend is Easter Sunday... we are going to a big lunch with the whole family at Wright's Farm... all you can eat chicken...mmmmmmmm...
Then it's off to my aunts for desert and the big Easter egg hunt. I can't wait. This year should be fun with my son because this year he is a year older and should understand what to do!
How cute... I can't wait!

Maya Angelou's best poem ever

2008-03-22T13:37:00.002-04:00

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .
something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ..
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE . ..
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

Little miss lonely...

2008-03-19T11:13:00.003-04:00

So, ... i don't know why I start every posting with the word "so"...
Yesterday i was just being super emotional. I don't even know what the real problem was. I am doing better today. I have just been feeling so lonely these days. I totally miss having adult companionship. I was telling my friends about my loneliness...
so, "sassy" came over last night to keep me company. That is the first time she has been to my house and i have been living there for like two months now! So i guess it took me being emotional to get her to come over. She called me up after I got out of work and asked "Is this the loneliest girl in Rhode Island??"
"yyyyyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssssssss" I replied...
She said I'm gonna see if I can come over when my husband comes home... she called me a little while later to say that she was on her way with the beer!!!!! I gave her the tour, and we talked and had some drinks... it was nice. I wish we could do that more often.
I am calming down about my suckey birthday... but I still have a small attitude about it.
I just want to meet a guy to spend some time with... I don't know where or when I would even get a chance to meet someone... I never go anywhere! I just feel so frustrated about things right now.

Life does go on...

2008-03-18T13:14:00.003-04:00

So i am still upset about my birthday! i just can't get over it... i need a birthday re-do! i know I'm not going to hold this grudge forever, but I'm still mad. Every time i think about Saturday night i get myself all upset again. JUST LET IT GO MUCHACHA!!!
I am just feeling so fucking lonely lately... i want a man in my life so bad!!!
I was emailing "mister-y" earlier and he was saying that i shouldn't have left... that he was just starting to feel good when i left- all of a sudden. So i told him that i sent him a couple of text messages though. He said "oh yeah... i got them after i got to my parents house- right before I puked and passed out." I just figured that him not responding was "the final answer" RIGHT- because if you can't even call me for some booty... then your not gonna call at all!
I don't know where this leaves me...
I wish I had some friends that were single and wanted to go out sometimes. I feel like I don't ever have a chance to meet people... I understand that everyone has their own lives, and when i was in a relationship... I didn't really care what my single friends were doing... and that's what is happening to me!
Here's a quote from a song I'm feeling right now...

"It's like I'm caught up in a maze... I keep going in circles... trying to find out..."

Maybe i am the crazy one...

2008-03-17T11:39:00.004-04:00

So, my birthday past... what a shitty birthday... all i wanted was to go out, get drunk with some friends, and get some booty at the end of the night! Did this all happen? NO... of course not!
So i go out to effins... i WAS having a good time. i didn't spend a single dollar! Not spending any money was goal! well my cousin decides to talk me into leaving to go to another bar... i didn't want to leave effins... that is where i wanted to spend my birthday! you know i always do what everyone else wants to do... i don't know why they couldn't just suck it up for one night and do what i wanted to do... after all it was MY BIRTHDAY! so i told them i would just meet them there... so i leave effins (the place where i was having fun and where i wanted to be) and my cousin calls me to say "we're in a fight- we are going home"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME-HOW RUDE!!???? i just left where i wanted to be for YOU and you are blowing me off!!! and it was only like 11pm!!!!
After that it was just a down hill slope!!! nothing good happened after that... actually it was the total opposite of good. there were cops, and puking (not me... i wasn't even drunk), and NO BOOTY!!!
Being that I left so fucking early... i wasn't drunk, and i didn't even get to flirt with anyone!
I tried to send "mister-y" a text to see did he want to come over... but i got no response! so there i was on my birthday... not drunk and lonely!
I think i still have a grudge on my shoulder... no, i am sure i do, and its not just on my shoulder... its covering my whole body! I'm still pissed!
It is so frustrating for me to be single- I hate it! How the fuck am i supposed to find a new guy if i don't ever get out anywhere to meet anyone? i do like hanging with my friends, but they are all in relationships, so when i am with them we don't really go places where there are guys to meet! So you know, i figured if i pick the place then maybe there will be a chance to meet someone...
then i am so dumb... why would i let someone talk me into the leaving place that i chose to go- to go somewhere that i knew wouldn't be any good guys to flirt with? why do i let my friends influence me so much? Why didn't i just do what i wanted to do?

Why is life so open ended?

2008-03-13T12:10:00.003-04:00

So this is my birthday week and i am just so excited! well who am i kidding... I'm always excited about my birthday! i got a bunch of people going out with me to effins... i can't wait.
so still no call from"mister-y"... he should have just left things where they were when he said he wanted to slow down. why did he have to add that he really did just want to slow down- not stop seeing me all together... cause that left me thinking he was gonna call. why is life so open ended?
it just seems like - you can be having a good day then BAM someone has to come fuck it all up!
and just when you start getting comfortable with someone- they change it up-
I had this guy come in my work yesterday... he asked my co-worker if he could ask me out on a date! why would he ask him?!!!??? my co-worker was smart and said "she might say no" boy was he right!!! the guy was so ugly! H was like 35-40 and he had braces! i know you want to fix your teeth guy... but NO! I'm good! then he asks me to stand up... STAND UP!!!!!!! NO.....
he said i just want to see how tall you are... I'm like I'm wearing heals so its not gonna matter... I'm 5'4... he said I'm not gonna ask you to turn around or anything i just want to see how tall you are!!! this guy was crazy!
this is the kind of guys that talk to me... gross, old, ugly, and broke!
I'm not saying I'm the hottest there is, but damn... I'm not all that ugly! come on...
where are the decent looking guys with good jobs? can't i find one of them? are there any left for me?

Chase or be chased?

2008-03-11T10:49:00.003-04:00

So, friends are awsome... when they tell you what you "want to hear"... even though that's not really the best thing. my friend "sassy" had talked to "mister-y" and she was under the impression that he would be calling me. well he didn't! imagine my disappointment when he didn't... why is dating and all that stuff so confusing and difficult? "sassy" kept calling me yesterday to ask me if "mister-y" had called yet (like she knew the inside scoop that he WAS going to call...) She had me so anxious that he WOULD call. every time she called me i would jump up to see if it was him... only to my disappointment that it was not him...
uhhhhhh... confusion and anxiety is what i am left with!
"mister-y" wanted to slow things down... so we will go at his pace! when he wants to call or see me then he will contact me... right? (i hope he does!) so what will his pace be? i am being strong and i am not calling him first! when he calls then i will talk to him with no problem!
MEN...MEN...MEN...MANLY MEN...MEN...MEN... mmmmmmeeeeeeeennnnnnnnn!

who's kidding who?

2008-03-10T10:13:00.001-04:00

UGGGG... so "mister-y" has done it to me... let the emotions go! so after a weekend that i didnt even hear from "mister-y"... he sends me another email saying that he does still want to see me just he really does just want to slow down... but dont those words usually mean "dont want to see you anymore" sayings like this never mean what the words are! i do like "mister-y" he has so many qualities that i am looking for in a man. of course he does have his quirks like anyone.
but he didnt call all weekend! if he wanted to speak to me he would have called... so this is where im left feeling - you know -whatever- i do want to spend time with this guy- just slow down muchacha!

not the one - just another one

2008-03-08T16:30:00.002-05:00

so i was seeing "mister-y" who is a really nice guy whom i could actually be myself around and i think he was comfortable too.... but then BAM... nothing...
ya know i met this guy like a month ago and after only like two weeks he asks me "what are we doing"... he was ready to have "the talk" after only two weeks, are you crazy?
so im like ya know im not seeing anyone and i like you and not really looking... he said me too... so he defined us!!!! then just 2 more weeks pass and "mister-y" says that we need to slow down cause he thinks i am falling for him and he is not in the same place. are you fucking kidding me? do you honestly think i am "in love" after one month? NO. i was just in an 8 year relationship... am i really ready for love again so soon?... i dont think so! i need more time than that. so i understand that if im not the one - than - im not the one! of course i was a little pissed cause i thought things were slowly progressing... but it was only in my naive mind... how dumb...
why do boys have this affect on us? and this guy tells me this in an email... how cowardly.
i am already tired of the game... i just want the life i had before back... the man, the family, the love, the happiness, just the "good life" back. why doesnt it come as easy as i want it to?
why do i have so many fucking questions? and i am so sick of people telling me to be patient... no- fuck no- why do i have to be so patient about everything?

first posting.

2008-03-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

so this is my first blog... what the hell am i supposed to be writing about...
well i am at work and dont really feel like being here...
its a rainy day and i just want to go home and climb into my sweats and sit on the couch, watch tv, and have some adult conversation... even if its by myself.
i slept ok last night. my little man actually slept through the whole night... what a proud moment when i woke up this morning.
the other one on the other hand was a little aggrivated with me cause i was taking up too much of the bed through the night... all well i didnt know i was sleeping! - right!-
so its wednesday and my b-day is coming in like a week... im so excited... i love my b-day.
a bunch of people are going to go to effins. they all want to celebrate st patties day (which i so dont even care about cause im not irish!) but i can just pretend that everyone is actually coming to celebrate my b-day! whatever!